I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
