you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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