alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Randomize
