I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
