hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
