Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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