a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize