I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
