seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
