I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
