I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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