I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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