I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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