In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
