god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i already hear my dad disowning me
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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