Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
