I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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