wanna go halves on a baby?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
