What did we do last night that was yellow?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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