She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Found the puke drawer
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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