Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
