Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
