i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
