If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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