Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
