I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
