I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
