i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
