so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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