I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
