The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
