i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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