The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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