I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
