Just mADE A PArabola og urine
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
