i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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