Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
