I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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