I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize