I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
