You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
