I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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