He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
