Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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