I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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