what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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