Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
