hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
