The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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