I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i would punch a child for taco bell
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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