i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
