it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
