Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
