Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
