Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
