My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
