This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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