would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
