Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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