i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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